Why The #$%& Hasn’t He Asked You Out Yet?

You’re interested in a guy and he seems to be interested in you. You’ve been having a good conversation going for a while and may have even seen him a few times–in a non-date setting. Yet, he still hasn’t asked you out on a REAL date. It can be so frustrating and make you wonder why he hasn’t made a move or if he ever will.

Depending on the circumstances, the confidence of the guy, and the way a lady makes him feel, there’s a reason he hasn’t asked you out.

He may be physically or emotionally unavailable, in which case, the timing is just bad, says professional matchmaker and founder of cupidscronies.com, April Davis. “He could also be stringing the girl along simply for attention and to feed his ego, with no real interest in having it go anywhere.”

There is also more confusion about who asks who out today. Even when interest feels mutual, men fear rejection, says Michael Bruch, creator of the messaging app, Willow.

“Perhaps the guy is concerned the woman just views him as a friend. Many guys are hesitant to ask a girl out when they aren’t receiving strong signals. They don’t want to have their ego bruised, so many wait until they are confidant in the outcome to ask a girl out.”

Speaking of “friends”, he could’ve already placed you in the friend zone and more needs to be done to make him see you differently and create a spark.

“Turn up the sexy and flirt more, to get his attention,” says Davis.

Or, just ask him out.

A good looking guy may just be used to women throwing themselves at him, and asking him out, says relationship coach & author, Cherry Norris.

If that’s the case, do you really want to be with someone like that anyway?

“In every successful romantic relationship, there is one primarily masculine hero who initiates and pursues, and one feminine ingénue who is receptive and available,” says Norris.

Depending on the circumstances, both people could assume the role of the female.  If that happens, find yourself a new man!

First Date Mistakes that’ll Kill a New Relationship

 

Who hasn’t been on a really bad first date? Whether the other person did something embarrassing, annoying or rude, it doesn’t take much to make a good date turn sour. There is a lot to pay attention to on a first date which will ultimately determine if there will be a second date.

 

So, wouldn’t it be nice to know ahead of time what behaviors to avoid so you don’t turn the other person off? As petty as they may sound, here are 14 mistakes to avoid so you don’t get disqualified from the dating game.

 

Being late: Here’s a way to kick-start a date heading nowhere. If you set a time to meet, be there. That goes for both men and women. It makes a terrible first impression and guarantees the other person starts the date annoyed, notes psychologist Dr. Guy Winch in his piece for Psychology Today.

 

Drinking too much: Getting blitzed on a first date won’t leave a good impression. A drink or two is fine, but make sure you are present and in control. “Drinking also impairs your judgment and can make you more susceptible to let your physical desires overstep your relationship demands,” says relationship counselors and co-authors, Drs. Judith and Bob Wright.

 

Not speaking up: If the other person does something that makes you uncomfortable—subtly puts you down, is rude to the waitress, makes snide comments—don’t just take it like a punching a bag; say something! Dating is about finding the “the one”, not about torturing yourself with bad company.

 

Spilling your guts: Be forthcoming and real, but don’t turn the date into a therapy session. “Ease into talking about yourself—remember intimacy is a bit at a time. Let him or her reveal a little, then you reveal a little,” says Dr. Judith.

 

Trying to impress: Trying too hard to impress a date can easily backfire, if, for example, you take your date to a Michelin-Starred restaurant and your credit card gets declined. Know your limits and be confident that just being yourself, is enough to impress anybody.

 

Lying: Fudging the truth—even a little—on a first date means you’re starting the relationship with a lie. “When wanting to be liked, we may embellish, hide relevant data and say anything to make us appear more authentic. However, if you continue to date, the truth will eventually come out,” says Dr. Judith.

 

Thinking too far ahead: You may be thinking about the next date, but you’re still on date number one, so be present. “If you worry about what comes after the first date, chances are you’ll be anxious, appear needy and may try harder to impress the other person. Be on the date you’re on now,” says Dr. Bob.

 

Worrying about chemistry: Questioning whether there is a spark too early will easily eliminate a chance for a second date. You could be attracted to a “bad boy”, but that doesn’t mean he’s “the one”. Chemistry grows over time when one’s real self comes out. So, stop worrying about that before you even know your date’s last name.

 

Playing it safe: It’s normal to keep your guard up on a first date. Remember, it’s hard to get to know someone who isn’t open to letting somebody in. “If you don’t give the other person the chance to know you, they may not ask you out again because neither of you were real to begin with,” says Dr. Judith.

 

Talking about an ex: Unless specifically ask, avoid getting into relationships past. A recent survey by the dating website Zoosk.com on what’s okay to disclose and when, shows that nearly half of men and women say past relationships, including recent breakups, should not be discussed until after a few weeks of dating.

 

Checking your phone: It’s the classic 2016 scene: a man and a woman out to dinner and both have their smartphones on the table. Checking your phone makes you come across as bored, distracted, or worse, uninterested. “If you must check your phone, apologize, explain why, and do it quickly,” says Dr. Winch. Better yet, just keep it in your pocket or purse and on silent.

 

Being too self-demeaning: Modesty is appealing; low self-esteem is not. There is no need to announce all your flaws on the first date. Joking about how bad you are at dating is also a huge turn off. “Telling someone on a first date that you’re bad at dating is like a director coming out before the movie to announce that it stinks. It kills interest or motivation the other person might have had,” says Dr. Winch.

 

Lecturing or ranting: They say there are two things you should never discuss at the dinner table: religion and politics. The same holds true for the first date. When you have strong beliefs or opinions, it is easy to get overexcited. Zoosk.com’s disclosure survey again shows that close to half of men and women daters say religious beliefs should be discussed after a few weeks of dating.

 

Not asking questions: Conversations should flow back and forth. So, if you’re not asking questions to the other person and just talking about yourself, you’ll either look A, not interested, B, self-absorbed, or C, both. “Asking questions conveys engagement. If you’re shy or unsure of what to ask, think of topics ahead of time,” says Dr. Winch.

The Phrases to Avoid, to Avoid a Dating Disaster

 

When you ask couples who’ve been married 30-plus years about the key to a successful marriage, the majority will probably tell you, “having good communication”. So, what exactly does this mean? It’s not just about talking, but the words and phrases that are being said.

Psychotherapist, Mel Schwartz, writes in a piece for Psychology Today that we often take for granted that our words convey exactly what we want them to. In other words, what and how we phrase things, can easily be misconstrued by our partner. “By the time a few sentences have passed, we may have a totally missed-communication,” he says.

You can bypass a potential relationship dust-up by avoiding these 6 phrases.

“You should (do this, or that)” – Telling your partner what they “should”  do can make them feel like you’re the boss of them.  Life coach and author of Says Who?, Ora Nadrich, says, “A better way to suggest what you think would be good for them to do is to say, “It might be a good idea” or “Maybe you could” or “You might want to think about, consider, or try.”

“I hate when you” – “Hate” is a harsh word, so starting a sentence off with it can come off aggressive or angry. If you want to voice your feelings of displeasure or dissatisfaction, say, “It doesn’t make me feel good when you (do this, or say that)” or “It bothers me when you” or “I feel disrespected, or not listened to when you,” says Nadrich. Keep the focus on how YOU feel, don’t point fingers.

“Do (this), Get (that)” – Remember, manners matter. You don’t want to sound like an ungrateful master ordering around their servant. Take a lesson from Kindergarten 101 and use your “please”, “thank you’s” and “may I’s”. Try rewording your requests by saying something like, “You know I adore it when you…” or “I so appreciate it when you…”. Relationship expert and psychologist, Dr. Karen Ruskin, says, “If you use phrases that predict that the other person will do your request—and do it nicely—you’re more likely to get it.”

“It’s all your fault” – Even if your partner is 100% to blame for something that’s happened, casting blame only adds insult to injury. Nadrich says before accusing, check in with yourself to make sure that you didn’t contribute to an unpleasant outcome even in the slightest way. Then, address their fault by saying something like, “You might have thought about this more carefully” or “I hope this opened your eyes to how to avoid this from happening again”.

“You always do this” – Telling your partner that they always do something can sound like you’re judging them. You’re not in a relationship to be judged. If you find that they do something that bothers you frequently, a better way to say it could be “It seems like you’ve been doing this more often” or “This has been coming up a lot lately.”

“You’re never going to (do this or that, or be this or that)” – Besides sounding like a snob and downright mean, telling your partner that they’re never going to be something, or be able to do something is basically telling them that they’re never going to change. As frustrated as you may be with your partner’s habits or annoying mannerisms, it’s better to encourage the other by saying, “Why don’t you try this” or “You’ve been doing it that way for a long time, and might want to consider doing it differently” or “I know you can do this.”

We Actually Do Prefer Being With Someone Who is Just Like Us, Says Study

 

A new national poll by Monmouth University is challenging that old adage that opposites attract saying that we actually want to be in a relationship with someone who is just like us!  According to the poll, two-thirds of Americans believe that there is a special person out there who they are meant to be with and that most Americans feel that their ideal mate is someone who is basically similar to themselves – and for most people that means a level-headed decision-maker who will be their best friend.

 

The poll also shows that, “women who are currently in a relationship (82%) are the most likely to believe in the idea of soulmates. A smaller majority of men in a relationship (64%) feel the same. Among adults who are not currently in a relationship, just over half of women (53%) and just under half of men (47%) say they believe in the idea of soulmates.”

 

Dr. Gary Lewandowski, professor and chair of psychology at Monmouth University and founder of Scienceofrelationships.com, says, “The research indicates that those who believe in soulmates and destiny, are actually more likely to break up. On the other hand, those who believe that relationships grow over time have more stable relationships and are better at dealing with conflict.”

 

Here are some other interesting findings from the study:

 

  • 52% say their partner should be somewhat similar to them while 29% said somewhat different.
  • 51% say their partner should be equally as smart, 26% say slightly smarter, and only 3% said they’d marry someone less smart.
  • When it comes to making decisions 66% rely on their head and 26% make decisions with their gut.
  • 83% consider their partner to be their best friend while 14% say somebody else.

 

Dr. Lewandowski adds, “Considering your romantic partner to be your best friend is an important component of quality relationships. In fact, when researchers asked couples who have been married over 15 years why their relationship lasted, the top reason was that their partner is their best friend.”  He also says that being more similar helps minimize conflict.

 

When it comes to political leanings, the poll found partisan divide also impacts how we view our relationships. Self-described Republicans (65%) are more likely than independents (57%) and Democrats (52%) to say they are extremely satisfied with their current relationship. Also, Republicans (91%) are somewhat more likely than independents (78%) and Democrats (83%) to say their partner is their best friend.

 

“These differences may be attributable to Republican’s placing greater value on marriage. As a result, Republicans may be more motivated to see relationships more positively,” says Dr. Lewandowski.

Men & Women See Cheating Differently, Says Study

Cheating is cheating, right?

 

Well, that depends if you’re a man or a woman.

 

A new study published by Taylor & Francis Group in Sexual & Relationship Therapy reveals the different ways in which men and women perceive infidelity.  We all know the damage infidelity can do but when the sexes see cheating differently, that’s a problem in and of itself.

 

For the experiment, researchers asked hundreds of young men and women to complete an online questionnaire, which categorized infidelity in three ways – sexual infidelity, intimate infidelity, and fantasy infidelity.

 

The authors of the study found that, “women were more likely than men to identify both sexual-based and emotion-based acts as constituting infidelity.”

 

Men, find greater distress in sexual infidelity, overall because according to researchers, men fear that a woman’s sexual infidelity would result in the man having to provide for children who are not his own, and women fear that a man’s emotional infidelity would result in him providing for the other woman and not her.

 

The findings also suggest that women being more likely to identify certain acts as infidelity is unsurprising given that the women scored higher than the men on measures of communion—the extent to which a person wants to form and maintain positive interpersonal bonds.

 

So, what one partner may perceive as an act of infidelity, the other may perceive as a harmless act.  The researchers say, “knowing what your partner believes to be infidelity could potentially save a relationship if both partners understand each other’s perspective.”

 

 

* Read the full article online: http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/14681994.2016.1196290

>A Little Touch Can Go A Long Way

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Valentine’s Day is just days away and it turns out, couples are failing at doing the one, simple and inexpensive thing that instantly brings two people closer: touching each other.

 

Recent findings in a new Touch Initiative survey by K-Y and The Kinsey Institute finds that Americans are touch-starved. Here are some key findings:

 

87% of men and women in committed relationships rated touch as very or extremely important to building intimacy. Yet 34% of people say they’re not touched enough.

74% of people prefer to engage in regular or intimate touch (with their partner) rather than talking without touching (10%). However, almost one in 3 people engage in talking more often than touching.

86% of couples who did touch intimately, more than once a day, were more likely to be very or extremely satisfied with their relationship compared to 72% of the general population.

 

“Touch is important for sustaining a healthy relationship, but it’s also necessary for our feelings of connection, safety and overall well-being,” says Associate Director for Research and Education at The Kinsey Institute, Dr. Justin R. Garcia. In other words, touch is critical to our happiness. “People who experience regular loving touch benefit from increased oxytocin levels, which has been associated with lower heart rates and lower blood pressure, and over time can decrease a person’s risk for many serious health ailments,” he says.

 

So if touch is THAT important, what are couples risking by not touching each other enough? Renowned sex and relationship expert, Dr. Laura Berman, says, “The [Touch Initiative] survey shows that 88% of people would like to be touched at least once a week, yet so many couples come to see me because their relationship is being threatened by a lack of intimacy.”

 

Berman says that touch can be the first step to helping couples build intimacy.

 

“Touching to connect and inspire intimacy can be as simple as holding hands or stroking the back of someone’s neck. Connection comes from an accumulation of small gestures, and if it’s a loving touch, the specific type of touch isn’t as important as the actual act of touching,” she says.

 

So, next time you’re walking or driving together, hold each other’s hand. Or, touch legs when sitting next to each other. You never know where that little touch will take you.

 

The complete Touch Initiative survey:

>Majority Of People Would Travel With A New Lover After Just 1 Month Of Dating

They say if you really want to get to know a person take a trip together because it will reveal the good, the bad, and the ugly about someone. Think about it. You’re spending a lot of time with that one person—standing in lines, splitting bills, deciding what time to get off the beach. This is the time when you see them outside their normal routine and often pushed out of their comfort zone.

 

“You might learn that together you’re a good team and you may return home closer than ever, says associate professor of psychology at James Madison University, Dr. Jaime Kurtz. “But traveling with someone might reveal things that you simply don’t like and never knew before: a fear of new cultural experiences and a general sense of closed-mindedness; excessive rigidity and an inability to compromise or deviate from routines,” she writes in a piece for Psychology Today.

 

Since traveling together can make or break a relationship, does it make more sense to wait to take that first getaway with someone new? Doesn’t appear so. According to a new survey by Expedia and the research company, GfK, a whopping 30% of people would take a trip with someone they’ve only been dating for 1 to 3 months.

 

The Expedia Heat Index survey of more than 1,000 American travelers also reveals:

25% would wait 4 to 8 months to travel with a new partner
15% would wait more than a full year
10% would take an overnight trip with a new partner within the first month
4% would take the trip on the first date

 

And, heartbreaks do happen on getaways with 4% of those surveyed having ended a relationship while traveling with their partner and another 4% say they have considered doing so.

 

Before going on a trip together, be honest about your “travel personality”. For example, do you sleep in or get up early to make the most of the day? Would you rather lay on the beach all day or take excursions?

 

Kurtz advises new travel partners to be clear about your need for alone time and also about your specific interests and goals for the trip.

 

“If you do find yourself in conflict while traveling, it is best to address it as soon as possible. After you’ve identified a specific problem, approach your partner with a calm, level-headed mindset,” she says.

 

If you let your lover know of your travel quirks ahead of time, it may help avoid arguments on the trip and a potential breakup when you both get back.

>You’re Not Official Until You’re “Netflix Official”

Kind of makes the whole concept of “Netflix and Chill” not seem so bad.

 

Meeting the parents, moving in together, changing your Facebook relationship status, sharing passwords. These are just some of the steps that make a relationship official. But, you’re apparently not official until you and your partner are “Netflix Official”.

 

According to a new survey by Netflix, 51% of respondents feel sharing their Netflix account information is a very big step towards a serious relationship. And, a majority say that they wait until they are dating exclusively to do so. Why is this such a big deal for couples? Probably because they get to see your recently watched list, which can help determine if you and your mate have “show compatibility”.

 

Because of what Netflix calls, “Show Goggles” (think beer goggles except the drastic change in one’s attractiveness is based on taste in TV shows, not alcohol consumption) the study found that a quarter of respondents find someone more attractive based on the shows they watched.

 

Some more highlights from the study include:

• 58% have added shows & movies to their profile to attract someone
• 27% insist show compatibility is important
• 58% say they bond over Netflix

 

So now if you ever get asked to “Netflix and Chill”, perhaps the other person is actually trying to determine if you’re spouse material and is not just looking to hook up…

Credit: Netflix

Credit: Netflix

>Forget About A 2nd Date If You Make These Mistakes On The 1st

You can’t have a relationship without a first date, right? What is supposed to be a fun way to get to know another person–who could potentially be your next BF/GF–can often be awkward as hell. Whether the other person was embarrassing, annoying or rude, it doesn’t take much for the date to turn sour.

In fact, there’s a lot of little factors that can ruin a first date (and ultimately determine if there will be a second). As petty as they may sound–lecturing, not asking questions, being a picky eater– they’ll still get you disqualified from the dating game in no time.

Want to know some other common first date mistakes to avoid? READ MORE:

The Most Common 1st Date Fears And How To Get Over Them

You can’t have a relationship without a first date. But, the pressure of impressing another person can make the whole experience feel like an anxiety-ridden ordeal rather than a fun, getting-to-know-you adventure. That fear of what could go wrong may even make the nervous cancel a first date all together.

The dating site, whatsyourprice.com recently surveyed more than 80,000 of its members to determine what some of those common first dates fears are. Here are the top five along with easy solutions to extinguish those concerns.

Having bad breath: 36% of singletons say they fear having bad breath. You can easily squash this concern by carrying breath-fresheners with you. Opt for Listerine Pocket Strips or smaller mints like Altoids. Try to avoid gum or even larger candies so you don’t look like a nervous, masticating horse while chewing or sucking that candy.

Something caught in teeth: 25% of singletons say they fear getting food caught in their teeth. If this phobia is keeping you from getting out there, avoid foods prone to getting lodged in your grill and adding pepper to your meal. You can also carry a floss-pick or two with you. Just make sure you excuse yourself from your date before going to town on your teeth.

Spilling on myself: 15% of daters say they dread spilling food or drinks on themselves. The best way to avoid this is old fashioned table manners. Make sure you’re eating over your plate and place a napkin on your lap. If you’re standing, try drinking over the bar and avoid crowded areas where you might get bumped. In the event you do spill food or beverage on yourself and it doesn’t warrant ending the date, hopefully you can cover the stain by wearing a jacket or just laughing about it.

Wardrobe malfunction: 14% of first-daters say ripping their pants, breaking a heel, popping a button–and the like–is their greatest concern. For starters, wear clothing that fits and you’re comfortable in. If you plan on walking 15 street blocks, 3 avenues and standing for 2 hours, wearing your sexiest of high-heels doesn’t seem like a good idea. If a malfunction does occur and there is no way to hide it and you don’t feel like popping into the GAP to spend $80 on a pair of khakis, it may be a good time to end the date.

Drinking too much: 10% of men and women daters say they fear drinking too much on a first date. The only solution here is, don’t do it. Limit yourself to one or two drinks and make sure to eat or have food in your stomach. Getting too blitzed on a first date can make you look sloppy and won’t give your date a good first impression. Not to mention, you want to make sure you feel completely present and in control with someone you barely know.

The site’s founder, Brandon Wade, says, “The healthiest way to approach a first date is to be optimistic and open minded. If you’re constantly worried about everything that could go wrong, you can miss out on really getting to know your date.”

And, if any of the above do occur, hopefully your date is cool enough to laugh it off and accept or ask for a second date.